Stone Lantern

Another They Fight Crime! story. The challenge this time was to write a story about a mutated zombie and his bounty hunter buddy. An odd combination of choices, but I am happy with the result.

They Fight Crime!

He’s a genetically engineered, zombie ex-con plagued by the memory of his family’s brutal murder.
She’s a high-kicking, African-American bounty hunter from beyond the grave.
They fight crime!

Proselyte

They had come during the day. The neighbours told her that they had come with big trucks and pulled into the front yard. They had said they were doing water testing, but that was a lie. Water testing was usually done by one person. He would run some water from the taps and get it in his little bottle. Then he took the bottle out to his truck and put some chemicals in it and then looked at it for a long time. Then he would claim it was safe to drink, but he never drank any himself. Water testing wasn’t done by nine men in environmental suits.

The neighbours had all run away. In a nice suburb in some small town, a big event like four big, official trucks pulling up would get everyone out of the house. They would all come out to stand by the trucks to ask what was going on. But, on an indian reservation you knew better. The old days of hunting down indians were over, but you never really forget. Your grandfather will talk about it and everyone will listen. You hear the stories all the time growing up. Whether you believe those stories about the white man and the government or not, you hear them. You remember them. So, when four large, government trucks pull up and nine men looking like space aliens climb out, you don’t question what’s going on. You just get the hell out of there. If you can.

The neighbours told her that the men in the trucks took some samples of the water and did some tests on her family. They had checked their spit and their blood. They tried to be nice about it. They tried to be cheerful and friendly with the kids, but the kids knew better. In the end, they put up some little signs around the yard saying “Boiling Advisory in Effect” meaning you couldn’t drink the water without cooking it first. They put some “Keep off the grass.” signs over the septic bed and they told her husband that he and the seven children would have to come with them for medical treatment. They said he would be fine, but he knew better. He tried to get them away, but there were too many kids and too many government men. He just couldn’t do it alone.

Mahrin had cried when she listened to what happened. The neighbours tried to console her, but couldn’t. The men had taken her husband and children. They had taken her three dogs and even the fish tank. She cried because she hadn’t been there when it happened. They hadn’t taken her to so that she could be with her children in whatever was happening to them.

She called the police, but they didn’t believe her. Even with the testimony of all of the neighbours, the police still didn’t pay any attention. These were the police who would beat an indian and leave them to freeze to death in a snowy field in the middle of nowhere. They didn’t care. Seven missing indian children were seven less people to arrest in the future. She called the called the water testing guy, but he hadn’t heard anything about these men or her family. He had no idea what was going on, though he did come out right away to look at the signs and take some samples of the water. She called her band office, the people in charge of her community, but they didn’t know what to do either. They were indians too. They told her it would be OK and her family would come home soon, but Mahrin knew better.

Months passed and Mahrin became sick. Sick in her body and her mind and her spirit. She began to revive her traditional ways. She spoke to the spirits every day, almost constantly. She spoke to the spirit of the morning and the spirit of the moon. She spoke to the spirits of the land and the spirits of her ancestors. They never spoke back, of course, but they were listening. She knew they were listening. She spoke to the spirit of the plants and the spirit of the water and those spirits did talk to her. They showed her that the land was sick. That the plants would not grow properly and that the water was foul. Nothing good can come from a place where the water is bad. She saw that the snakes and the frogs were unhealthy. The insects near her home were deformed. She herself was becoming very sick.

When she showed this to the police they told her it was proof that her family had been taken away for medical treatment and would be home soon. They ignored the facts: that her family had been gone for a month and she hadn’t heard from them, that the police had told her the first time that her family hadn’t been taken away, and that the land doesn’t do this to people. They didn’t listen. They didn’t care. They said the water was making her sick and she should go see a doctor.

Mahrin knew better. The land and the water don’t make people sick. People make the land and the water sick which makes people sick. Her land had been poisoned. Cursed. Neither her neighbours nor anyone else had been affected. Their land was healthy. They begged her to come stay with them. To leave her home that had become a sickness, but she wouldn’t. She wouldn’t leave until the spirits told her who had done this. But, the spirits couldn’t tell her what she already knew. The government men had done this. They had poisoned her land and stolen her family. They would never give them back.

She began to plead with the spirits to return her family. She begged and cried. She performed all of the ceremonies she knew to please them. She gave them bread and meat and vegetables from every meal. She filled her house with the smoke of sage and tobacco and sweetgrass and oak. Cedar, red willow, pine, corn. The smoke of all things beautiful filled her home and she bathed in it. She opened herself up and allowed the smoke to cleanse her. But, her soul was too dark. She could not let go of her hatred and the spirits couldn’t return her family.

Life began to end on her land. Healthy, natural things died. Unhealthy, unnatural things took their place. The plants that grew were no longer plants of life and healing, but of sickness. They were the opposite of life. They were unlife.

Her friends tried to take her away. They came and begged her and yelled at her and finally tried to force her to leave with them. They did not want her to stay in a place of sickness. She wouldn’t go. She fought, she screamed and she refused to leave until they finally gave in. She would not leave and they would not stay. They drove away with a heavy sadness in their hearts. They hoped she would be OK, but they knew better.

With the unnatural plants came the unnatural spirits. Not the spirits of life that the indian children learn about or the mischievous spirits they laugh about. These weren’t even the natural, malevolent spirits that plague man. These were unnatural spirits of evil. New spirits. Spirits created by the abused land. Disgusting, unnatural spirits of sickness and unlife.

Still Mahrin would not leave. She became sicker. Her body began to twist and deform. She couldn’t walk without pain, she couldn’t stand up straight. Yet she lived. She was the last living thing on a land of unlife. She was bitter and angry. She was filled with hatred. She cursed the land and the spirits. She cursed the government and the police and her friends. She cursed the Creator and all his works. She cursed herself for being away that day.

The unnatural spirits roamed her house and lived in her water. They whispered to her. They whispered promises of dark evil. Promises of hatred and anger. Promises of all things bad and indecent. And they promised her revenge.

She listened to the spirits. Heard their voices in the foul wind that blew through her home. Saw their messages in the plants of unlife outside her window. Soon she would be dead and there would be no life left here. But, she would not give up. She would fight until she had no strength left. But, she was so sick. She was so weak and tired. She did not have the strength left to help her family. She only had the strength for revenge. She called out to the twisted spirits of unlife and begged them to punish those that had killed her family. Punish those that had destroyed her land and her people. Punish them with the twisted horrors of unlife they had created. She cried out for this vengeance with her dying breath. She cried out for her revenge and the spirits listened. As she went to her final rest, her body no longer able to resist the sickness and decay, she heard the spirits of sickness and unlife answer her. They promised her it would happen. They promised it would be all right. Mahrin knew better.

Five hundred miles away, in an unmarked mass grave lay the bodies of four native families and three uncooperative employees. Twenty-five bodies lay in the grave. Some, so hideously mutated that they were no longer recognizable as having once been human. Some, like the bodies of the ex-employee’s were normal. Whole, pure and untouched save for the neat round hole in the centre of their foreheads made by a .22 calibre bullet. Sixty miles away from the grave was the research facility filled with the people who had put them there.

The night wind picked up and a foul air blew in over the graves. Had anyone been standing in the area, they would have vomited at the smell and swore that just before the noxious smell reached their nose, that they had heard the sound of drums.

thoom thoom

Deep underground, amidst the pile of bodies, there was movement. A clawed hand with its dried out skin pulled taut over the muscle and bones, flexed its fingers. A hand that had once been human. A hand that had once been used to pat dogs, play with his children and caress his wife’s lovely body. A hand that science had twisted into a mockery of life, leaving it crooked and frightening.

The bodies shifted aside as two clawed hands pushed and shoved. The dirt giving way to the claws as the beast dug itself free of the the thirty foot grave. The beast was a disgusting, child’s nightmare of a creature. It was thin and long with a hunched back and extremely long limbs. It looked like a greyhound that had been skinned alive and thrown into a fire pit. The skull was too long and too thin. The jaw stuck out four inches too far and the tongue that snaked in and out of its despicable mouth, was four inches too long.

thoom thoom

It dug and it remembered. Seven children who loved him. Seven children who died. Screaming in terror. Calling out to him for help. Daddy! Daddy! But, he couldn’t help them. He was helpless. Useless. He was no father. Their bodies lay behind him in the grave he dug himself free of. They were distorted and mutated. They were abominations even to him. And they had lived through the whole process. Their tiny bodies twisted by science into abhorrent offences against the Creator. They had been alive and screaming from the pain through the weeks it took for the process to complete. They had been deemed unfit and killed. Their father had done nothing to help them.

The creature broke through the surface of the ground. Its long snout stuck out and sniffed at the air. Its arms pushed free of the dirt and it pulled itself out of its grave. It was no longer a man. It had ceased to be a man even before it had been killed. It had been ripped from the Creator and twisted by the hands of science. It had become an unnatural monster long before its death. It had once worshipped the Creator and now it served the evil spirits of unlife. It had changed religions. It was a proselyte.

thoom thoom

It shook the dirt from itself and tried to remember. It was filled with hatred. It tried to remember its life and its loves, but the spirits of unlife would not let it. It tried to remember its good times. Even the awful time it spent in prison for the stupid crimes of an angry, young man. Even those memories were denied him. All he was given was the haunting memories of his screaming children.

thoom thoom thoom thoom

From the hole behind him came a long string of cursing. Foul language spewed from the hole like vomit. A slender dark skinned hand on a slender leather sleeved arm reached up out of the hole. It’s match reached up after it and was followed by a beautiful, brown woman. She pulled herself out of the grave and stood up, still swearing, stopping only to spit dirt out of her mouth.

“Those god damned pieces of -” she stopped short when she saw the proselyte. For a moment she was afraid, but it was a moment that passed quickly.

“Well, god damn. I guess your one of the poor, damned savages they dicked around with at the lab. I was just askin’ myself what could be worse than bein’ dead and still walking around and you showed up to answer it.”

“Man.” she whistled. “What kind of world is it when they screw you up so bad you can’t even die? Those god damned scientists have screwed up the world right royal this time, don’t you think?”

The proselyte stared at her. Its long tongue slid out of its mouth to reach up and lick its eyeball.

“Right. They really buggered you up, didn’t they? Do you know why I’m here? It’s stupid. I mean, I know you’re here because they put that crap in your water to soften you up for the last year, so it had to be you. You know? So, your fate was decided over a year ago. You just didn’t know it. Me? They decided my fate six seconds before they blew my brains out all over their god damned wall.”

She pulled a gun out of her jacket and started examining it. Cleaning it.

“They send me out after one of their boys who’s decided he doesn’t want to be screwin’ around with the genetic makeup of the local savages anymore and runs away. Hey, no offence or anything. So, I go after this guy and I get him and I bring him back. To do it though, I’ve got to do the cab driver as well. The guy was in a cab when I got him. He had talked to the damn cab driver and I knew we didn’t want anything like that so I had to do the cabbie, too. That makes sense to me. Not to that tight ass, two inch penis Smith, though.”

She had taken the gun apart and began to put it back together. Proselyte was hunched over on all fours, watching her. She paused in her speech to look at him for a moment. As she spoke, Proselyte listened to the sounds of his children begging him to help them.

“He said that it caused an unacceptable interruption in the schedule. So I asked him what I was supposed to do? Bring him in? How would that be different than killing him? Should I have just let him go? Try to buy his silence? It was stupid to think any of those things was the right answer. Well, here’s some advice for you, indian. Don’t ever make some piss-ant back woods Director of a nothing project look stupid in front of his staff. The son of a bitch won’t have any choice but to blow your brains out so he doesn’t look like the impotent snotbag he is.”

She stood up and put her gun back in her jacket.

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I figure I’m gonna go back to that Director and I’m gonna make him suffer. What do you say?”

Proselyte jumped up onto all fours and howled. For another moment, she looked very, very afraid. But, only for a moment.

“Damn! They’re gonna piss themselves when they see us! I know I got this gun and all, but that’s just to get us through the guards. It ain’t for Smith. Holy crap, I hope we’re bullet proof, otherwise we won’t ever make it. I’ll shoot them and you uh, do whatever it is you can do and we’ll destroy that whole facility.”

Proselyte could feel the spirits of unlife gathering around him. Whispering to him. Giving him strength.

“I’ll tell you what, though. When I find Smith,” she said and grinned. “I’m gonna eat his brains.”

thoom thoom

I am a fan of the They Fight Crime! story idea generator. Here is one that seemed so odd that I just had to do a story for it. Go check out the They Fight Crime! story idea generator and create your own. You can also suggest some new words to be added to it.

They Fight Crime!

He’s a maverick, guitar-strumming monkey-boy that’s stuck in a cage.
She’s a high-kicking, Bolivian vampire who thinks she’s the Tooth Fairy.
They fight crime!

Adolpho the Monkey-boy

Adolpho sat in his cage, lazily strumming a quiet tune on his guitar. Occasionally he would stop to scratch at his furry, monkey-like chin or to push one toe against the wall to set his cage gently swinging on it’s chain.

A muffled ruckus started up outside the room. The sound of guards voices calling instructions to each other could faintly be heard through the thick doors. Suddenly, the doors burst open and the sound of swordplay, gunfire and screaming exploded into the room.

Adolpho straightened the collar on his clean work shirt and then continued to strum his guitar.

A guard in light plate mail came sailing through the door as if he had been thrown. He crashed to the ground in a cacophany of metal on stone. A tall, dark haired woman wearing plastic wings ran through the door after him, carrying a second guard dressed in plate. This guard was trying, unsuccessfully to fight her off. She easily held him in place with just one arm.

The first guard got to his feet and charged her. With inhuman speed the dark haired woman in the cheap, plastic wings kicked him square in the jaw and sent him to the floor once more, this time for good.

She brought her full attention on the guard in her hand. He panicked and began screaming in terror. She slowly brought his face close to hers, then pushed his head aside and sank her teeth into his neck. She tore out a large chunk of flesh and began lapping at the blood that spurted from the wound. The sound was disgusting and disturbing.

When she was done, she dropped the guard and then looked around the room. As soon as she saw Adolpho she bared her teeth at him and hissed. Adolpho noticed that while she should have been covered in blood, her hands, clothes and face had no stains at all.

“Who are you?” she hissed.

“I’m Adolpho.”

She glanced at the cage and then up the long chain that anchored the cage to the roof. She began to circle the cage and Adolpho continued to swing slowly.

“What are you doing in there?”

“Ahh. The question. I do love that question. I suppose the standard answer is, it is not what am I doing in here, but what are you doing out there?” replied the short monkey-like man as he continued to strum on his guitar.

“I’ve come to kill Mortagar.”

Adolpho considered this for a moment. “Why?”

“I’m a fairy” was her answer.

“With teeth like that?”

“I’m a tooth fairy, then. But, I’m going to kill Mortagar for what he’s done to my people and I’ll kill anyone who gets in my way. Do you work for him?”

Adolpho stopped strumming and mild surprise showed on his face. “What person would ever answer yes to that statement? Clearly, if I answer yes, you’ll kill me. Knowing I know that, though, you will also just assume I’m lying if I say no. In fact, either answer is sure to get me killed.” He sat up and chuckled at her.

“What is your answer?”

“Well, I suppose my answer is a question to you. If I am working for Mortagar, what do you think I am doing in this cage - cleaning it?”

“Why are you in that cage? Answer me this time! Answer me truthfully or I will know it.” With that, her eyes began to glow a deep red.

“I am contemplating the end of Mortgar’s life. I am sitting in this cage thinking of all the ways that Mortagar could meet his end and all of the ways to make that happen. I am thinking of all of the people who would say Mortagar is an evil blight and of all of the people who would say he was a hero and that those who would try to kill him are the evil ones. I am thinking of all the ways Mortagar might escape his fate and of all the ways that escape might be prevented.”

“Aha! You think you’re so smart and yet you got caught and stuck in a cage while I am still free to accomplish my goal.” She beamed up at him with a huge smile on her face.

“You’re not really a fairy, you know. Those wings are plastic.”

The vampire’s mood darkened immediately.

“And what’s more,” continued Adolpho “Is that, despite my being in the cage and your being free, you still cannot accomplish your mission. Mortagar is way too clever for you. He’s too clever for me, as well for that matter.”

She scowled and looked about the room again. “Well, if we work together to kill him, could we succeed?”

Adolpho clapped his hands together. “Yes! We could definitely succeed. There is no possible way Mortagar could escape with his life if both of us worked together to kill him.”

The vampire leapt up and grabbed onto the side of the cage. She used one arm to hold herself in place while her other hand grabbed the large, heavy padlock that held the door shut.

Adolpho smashed his guitar over her head, shattering it. He then thrust the jagged neck of the guitar into the vampire’s chest. She screamed as she fell to the floor, but turned to ash before she touched it.

Adolpho straightened his shirt and expensive, tailor made slacks before sitting back down. He pulled a small flute from his pocket.

“We could succeed together assuming I want to kill Mortagar and haven’t been hired by him to think up all the ways he could be killed and all the ways to prevent it.”

The little monkey-boy pushed against the wall with one toe to set the cage slowly swinging again and began to quietly play his flute.

I can’t tell if this is a good story or not. I only know that I love it. When the They Fight Crime! generator spat this phrase out, I knew I had to write it. It was clearly the most boring, trite phrase the generator could produce and I wanted the short story to be just that. It turned into something else along the way.

They Fight Crime!

He’s a Nobel prize winning, Republican librarian on his last day in the job.
She’s a plucky, thirty-something politician who enjoys fine dining.
They fight crime!

Reveler

On a cold, clear November day you can see all the way out to the other shore.  While today was cold, it was not clear and Reginald could not see past the bay.  He glanced down at his watch. It really was time for him to get over to the restaurant, but he didn’t want to leave just yet. He looked out through the office window at the bay once more.

Carl popped his head into the small office. “Hey! Reggie! Still here? Man, I would be so gone by now.  I would have left at lunchtime or just not come in at all. No one expects you to come in on your last day.”

“It’s a privilege to come in on my last day. Twenty-seven years I’ve enjoyed working at the finest library in this country. There have been some-”

“Yeah, but your last day. Nobody would blame you. Especially an award winner like you. What was the name of that award they gave you for organizing the books?” asked Carl.

“The Nobel.”

“Yeah, see? No one would blame you. You should go out and have a party or something. Anyway, good luck. I’m going to take this stapler, OK? Mine has never worked right.” Carl scooped up the stapler and glided out the door.

“Yes, well” said Reginald to the empty room. “a party may have been too much.”

He stood up, picked up the small black bag he had brought to carry his belongings and pushed his chair into it’s proper position under the desk.

“Good-bye” he said to no one in particular.

He arrived at the restaurant a half an hour late, knowing it wouldn’t matter. Evelyn liked to have forty-five minutes to soak up the atmosphere before ordering. As it was, he was still going to be too early to eat. He spied Evelyn at a table near the window. This was new for her as she usually hated to be recognized while enjoying an expensive meal.

The hostess gave him a friendly wave as he passed by. She knew he knew the way. He didn’t know how to respond to the wave and ended up looking down and continuing on his way. He was pretty sure it was the wrong thing to do.

“Hello, Evelyn. You’re looking well.”

Evelyn eyed him up as he sat down. “Hmm. And you’re looking the same as you always do. You should be more happy or more sad than usual. How long did you work there?”

“Twenty-seven years.”

“Well,  when you have had a job that long, it’s perfectly normal to have some strong emotions when leaving it.”

“I don’t.” he said.

“Hmm” she eyed him doubtfully, “well I’m sure that’s normal too. What kind of a send off did they give you”

“The head librarian passed around a card that everyone signed. It was quite nice.”

“No party?”

“No.”

Evelyn looked down into her water glass thoughtfully. Finally she said, “Let’s order.”

The meal went well, with the two friends making small chit-chat throughout. Afterwards, when the drinks arrived Evelyn could hold it in no longer.

“Reginald, I just don’t understand you. It’s OK to be mad that they didn’t throw you a party. They should have, damn it. After twenty-seven years a fellow deserves some recognition when they go. A card? A card is the recognition?”

“It’s fine” he replied, “I don’t mind. They are good people and it was a fine place to work.”

“That’s not normal, Reginald. You can’t suppress this or you will end up going in to work with a shotgun or something.”

“I don’t have a work to go to. I could bring the shotgun to the park, I guess.”

“Lord almighty! A joke! Third one in three years. And at a time like this!” she laughed. “Now I know it’s bothering you.”

“It really isn’t. Evelyn, I know that you worry for me and fear that I keep all of my emotions bottled up or that I don’t even have any. I do. I have strong emotions and I express them. Often. Sometimes, most times actually, people like you just miss them.”

The table was quiet for a moment as Evelyn pondered this revelation. She took a slow sip of her brandy.

“What do you mean, people like me? What kind of people am I?” she asked.

Reginald looked perturbed. He knew he shouldn’t have said anything. He shouldn’t have let himself be lured into a situation he couldn’t get out of. Now he was trapped.

“Um. Big people, I suppose. People who are larger than life. People who can see the whole world and don’t mind if the whole world see’s them. People who always know what to say.”

“Big like fat?”

“Uhn.” Reginald’s face pinched in concern. This was not going well.

“I’m kidding, Reginald. I know what you mean and I don’t always know what to say or always say the right thing.”

“I never accused you of that.”

Evelyn threw her arms out wide.  “Another joke! Oh lord, take me now! My life is complete.”

Reginald could only stare at the floor in embarrassment.

“All I am saying, Evelyn is that I don’t have to be like you to be normal. I am a whole person and I enjoy my life and the people around me. I know that I am unusual and it puts some people off, but that’s OK too. There are a great many people I would rather not have bothering me anyway.”

“Well, sometimes you seem a little creepy.”

“I am creepy, yes.”

“Well,” said Evelyn as she tossed back what was left in her snifter, “let’s go find your party. It couldn’t have gotten far.”

Reginald rolled his eyes.

“Come on. We’ll go get some hookers and some drugs.”

“I’m not sure Gayle would appreciate that. Or your constituents either, for that matter.”

“Pah!” she exclaimed “Let them vote someone else into office. I’ve got to go find my friend his big end-of-career party.”

She would never change and probably never understand.

“Thank you.” he said.

Crimelord and Sunshine

I watched as the beautiful and tiny fairy flew towards me. Her gossamer wings looked so delicate. They were a very pretty shade of translucent pink. Her hair was long and ran all the way to her feet, but considering that she was about four inches tall, it wasn’t very long at all. Her cute little face beamed up at me as she flew in close. Then I raised my umbrella and smacked her out of the air. When she hit the ground, I kicked a little dirt on her.

“OK, Sunshine. One more down. We better get out of here.” I called.

“There’s a brainwave for you, Sherlock.”

“You call me stupid and yet, look how ugly you are.”

“Shut up, dick wad.”

Having a fairy guardian wasn’t at all what I had expected it to be like. I don’t know what I was actually expecting, but I can tell you, I thought there would be a lot more politeness.

I had woken up in my cell that morning with the awful taste of last night in my mouth. The guards were banging on the bars like they always do when you take too long to get out of bed. If you refused to get up, they would come in and beat the holy tar out of you with their prisoner beatin’ sticks. Then they would make you get into the shower. You maybe tried sleeping in once. After that, you were either too smart or too dead.

Some guys spend their whole lives in prison. Seriously. They get in when they’re young men and they finish growing up behind bars. These lifers never want to leave. The thought of it scares the hell out of them. I’ve seen the meekest of men slit someones throat, just so they wouldn’t have to leave. Some people are friggin’ stupid. I wanted out. I wanted back into the real world and I was making a plan to do it. Through the yard, over the wall and away into freedom. Steal a car, smoke some weed and score some chicks. Yeah, I had a plan.

So, when I’m having my morning shower and I’m washing my genitalia real fast so I can get it done quick without anyone getting any hormonal ideas about me, I’m also thinking about my plan in the back of my head. I’m not really paying attention to what’s going on around me, so it’s a pretty big shock when I hear a squeeky voice say. “You do that like you enjoy it.”

I spun around, ready to defend my bum’s virginity, but there was no one there. What’s more, I spun around too quick on a floor that was really slippery. My feet kept going in a direction I was no longer concerned with and I ended up wiping out and landing on my ass. Then, I hear this real tiny voice start laughing. Not the happy kind of laughing either, but the ‘I enjoy watching your dumb ass fall to the floor’ type laugh. Real mocking.

“Oh, man! You are stupid. Look at you. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!” laughed the tiny voice, and I still couldn’t see who was doing it.

“Who is that?” I whispered at them in my best ‘ready to kill your punk ass’ voice. My back hurt from the fall and I was ready to take it out on whoever had caused it.

“Me. Do you want to get out of here? Do you want to get free and go back out doing your little, piddly criminal things?”

“Uhh, damn! Are you in the pipes?”

“What? No you big, dumb moron. I’m right here.”

Now, I will swear to you, absolutely swear that since I have been in the joint I have touched nothing stronger than tobacco. I haven’t had the opportunity. Well, that’s not true. I had the opportunity, but the price was too high. It was a price too near and dear my heterosexual heart to pay. So, I can tell you that I was dead sober when I saw the air above the shower head shimmer and a huge bat appear. It waved one large, purple wing at me and winked. But, I don’t blame you for not believing me.

I was speechless. Completely and utterly and absolutely speechless. I said, “Holy rat fat! What are you?”

“I’m your guardian angel, sent to get you out of the slammer.”

“You’re an angel?” I asked. The doubt must have shown in my face because right away the bat got flustered.

“Well, no. I’m not really an angel. That’s just a figure of speech, I guess. I don’t know why we say that. It always confuses everyone. But, that doesn’t matter, you idiot. What I am is your fairy guardian. Actually I’m a fairy pricess.”

“You aren’t what I imagined a fairy to look like.”

“Yeah? Well, screw you too, meathead. So what if I look like a big, ugly bat with stupid, purple wings. You think I care about that?”

I must have hit some kind of a nerve because I swear the bat started crying. It was hard to tell because it was a bat, of course. Still, I felt a little bad.

“It’s so awful.” it said. “I used to be so beautiful! I had beautiful, long legs, long golden hair and an ass to die for. I looked so good in my little fairy miniskirt. You have no idea how hard it is now.”

Listening to her, I was starting to get a pretty good idea of how hard it is now. I didn’t want that to show while I was sitting on the floor of the shower, naked. I had get her to leave right away. I quickly formulated a plan.

“Uhh, sorry about..uhh…that, but can you go away now?”

“Huhn? No, I can’t go away. Do you think I came here just to go away? I came here to set you free. I’m your fairy guardian and it’s my job to look after you, you twit.”

“Well, why didn’t you show up three months ago when the damn cops picked me up for breaking and entering, huhn?”

“One night! I take one damn night off and you get picked up and sent to prison. Then you blame me! You have to be the stupidest person on the planet! You think I have nothing better to do than watch over a moron all my life? I’m a princess, damn it! I have other royal duties to attend to as well, ya know.”

“So, you are going to be the fairy queen someday?”

“Yes. Yes, I will be. Providing of course, that the other two hundred and sixty three fairy princesses ahead of me are unable to take the throne, for some reason.”

“That doesn’t sound very likely.”

“Yeah? Well, it was less likely when there was three hundred of them, but they’ve started to wise up. It ain’t so easy to sneak up on them anymore.”

“Uhh. What are we talking about?”

“Oh!” she said as if she suddenly remembered I was in the room. “We’re talking about getting you out of here. You are about to be set free and then I can explain your part in all of this.”

“Why don’t you just explain it now? I don’t think I want to go anywhere with you.”

“Well, you don’t have a choice. In about six hours they’re going to come for you and they’re going to kill you unless we can get as far away from here as possible.”

“Who’se going to come for me? Who’se gonna kill me?”

“It’s difficult to explain it to someone of your intellect. Just trust me.”

“I don’t trust you. I don’t even know you. Hell, I don’t even like you!”

“Well, isn’t that gratitude. I’ve looked after you your whole life and this is the thanks I get? Do you know how many guardian fairies don’t even bother looking after their charges anymore? No one believes in them, so thay just don’t bother. Not me, though! I knew that you’d be useful to me one day so I have looked after you from day one! I watched you every day, rarely taking any time off.”

“Every day? Even when I was touching - ”

“Yes, even then, you little deviant. But, I’m not one to judge. I’m not judging you, you sick, twisted freak. All I ask is that you let me continue to look after you. I want to keep you safe.”

“But who are you protecting me from? Who wants to kill me?”

“We’ve already gone over this! From the other fairies! Why did I get the moron! Why? Why?”

“Why do the other fairies want to kill me?”

“Gaaaah!” the bat yelled and flapped it’s wings around in a furious manner. “They obviously want to kill you because of the Star of Morning.”

“What is that? That doesn’t explain why they want to kill me.”

“I told you already. There are two hundred and sixty three fairy princesses in line for the throne ahead of me. I also already told you that they were getting suspicious once fifty seven fairy princesses bit the dust in a whole series of unrelated, fatal accidents. That plan isn’t going to work out now. Do you honestly think I’m going to sit around and hope mother nature takes care of the rest? That lazy cow? So, what choice did I have? Now, try to stay with me, my retarded minion I had to take the Star of Morning to show that I am the next rightful heir to the throne. The damn things cursed, though.”

“Is that why you’re a big, ugly bat?”

“Whoa! He woke up. Yes, of course that’s why I’m a bat. Hey, the bat’s not too bad. I’ve been changing steady since I got that thing and let me tell you, there’s worse things to be than a bat. I know. I’ve been them.”

“So, when do you change again?”

The bat sighed. “Here we are, back at square one. Obviously, I’m not going to change if I no longer have the Star of Morning, now am I? I have given the damn thing to you. Why else would I be here? How else could you see me? Why else would the fairies want to kill you?”

“Well, I don’t want it!”

“Too bad. No choice.”

“But, you’re the queen now. You can tell them to stop.”

“No. Unfortunately, while having the Star of Morning does mean I am the next rightful queen, not every fairy is recognizing that authority.  The good news is that there are a lot less than two hundred and sixty three fairy princesses I’ll need to, uh, forcefully convince. In the meantime, you will need to stay ahead of all the fairies or they’re going to boil you until your flesh falls off so they can get back their Star.”

“That’s not fair! I didn’t do anything. They’re violating my rights. They’re just criminals!”

“Well, if you want to stay alive, you better be prepared to fight those criminals.”

I was mad. I was too mad to talk. I laid there on the shower floor and fumed. My skin was getting pretty pruney and I didn’t even move. That’s how mad I was.

“This is stupid!” I yelled. “What kind of stupid plan is it that turns every other fairy against you? You don’t even have a plan to get the rest of them. And you call me stupid?”

“Well, obviously I didn’t know the damn thing was cursed, now did I? Honestly. Who uses curses anymore? It’s like wearing a mullet. It just isn’t done.”

I reached up and touched my hair. I liked my mullet and I didn’t care what she said.

“Now, get ready. I’ve arranged to have you released so we can get away from here. Once you’re safe, I can make my plans to acquire the other Stars.”

Before I could say another word, two of my favourite guards walked in. Both of them were as strong as a back hoe and twice as smart. Jefferies walked up to me and put his boot on my neck.

“What the hell is he doing on the floor?” asked Michaels.

“I don’t know.” said Jefferies. “I hope I didn’t interrupt anything important, Dergen.”

He leered at me and twisted the boot on my neck.

“Just cleaning the floor with my back. This place is slippery. I should sue the prison.”

“Yeah? There’s something I don’t hear twenty times a day.” said Jefferies.

“Get up!” ordered Michaels. “And, get dressed. The warden wants to see you in his office pronto.”

The little fairy bat was telling the truth. I was getting out of here. I didn’t have to take anymore crap from these guys. I was a free man.

“I’ll get dressed and go see the warden when I’m ready.” I huffed. Besides, I had a guardian fairy looking out for me.

Both of them looked quite surprised. The didn’t like talk like that from inmates, but I wasn’t an inmate anymore. I didn’t have anything to fear from them.

“Well, the warden says you need to go see him, but he didn’t say anything about you not having the snot beat out of you.” He brought his wooden attention getting device down across my shoulders and the blow forced me to the floor. Apparently, guardian fairies don’t protect you from prison guards administering severe contusions about the head and shoulders. Live and learn.

That was eight hours ago. After that they helped me get dressed. They had to, since I was unable to stand on my own. They walked / carried me to the wardens office and tossed me onto his floor. The warden told me that all the paperwork associated with my case had gone missing. That they couldn’t find any record of it anywhere. They knew there had been a trial and there were people who remembered being at the trial, but the law says that if you can’t provide the paperwork when the lawyer demands it, they gotta let you go. It was something like that, anyway. My lawyer had called them up on a tip from an anonymous source and now I’m a free man.

Of course, I’ve spent the last hour bludgeoning the cute, little fairies that continue to find me. I swear the Star of Morning is a damn beacon to them. I’ve found a couple of really good hiding spots and yet, they keep finding me. Sunshine, that’s my guardian fairy’s name, is gonna have to figure out a better way to hide me because eventually I’m going to get too tired to fight. Then these little buggers are going to boil me alive to get their Star back. I know Sunshine won’t let that happen because she doesn’t want to lose the Star. But, until she comes up with a plan, I’ve got to keep clubbing these pretty fairies.

The little criminals.