I can’t tell if this is a good story or not. I only know that I love it. When the They Fight Crime! generator spat this phrase out, I knew I had to write it. It was clearly the most boring, trite phrase the generator could produce and I wanted the short story to be just that. It turned into something else along the way.
Reveler
On a cold, clear November day you can see all the way out to the other shore. While today was cold, it was not clear and Reginald could not see past the bay. He glanced down at his watch. It really was time for him to get over to the restaurant, but he didn’t want to leave just yet. He looked out through the office window at the bay once more.
Carl popped his head into the small office. “Hey! Reggie! Still here? Man, I would be so gone by now. I would have left at lunchtime or just not come in at all. No one expects you to come in on your last day.”
“It’s a privilege to come in on my last day. Twenty-seven years I’ve enjoyed working at the finest library in this country. There have been some-”
“Yeah, but your last day. Nobody would blame you. Especially an award winner like you. What was the name of that award they gave you for organizing the books?” asked Carl.
“The Nobel.”
“Yeah, see? No one would blame you. You should go out and have a party or something. Anyway, good luck. I’m going to take this stapler, OK? Mine has never worked right.” Carl scooped up the stapler and glided out the door.
“Yes, well” said Reginald to the empty room. “a party may have been too much.”
He stood up, picked up the small black bag he had brought to carry his belongings and pushed his chair into it’s proper position under the desk.
“Good-bye” he said to no one in particular.
He arrived at the restaurant a half an hour late, knowing it wouldn’t matter. Evelyn liked to have forty-five minutes to soak up the atmosphere before ordering. As it was, he was still going to be too early to eat. He spied Evelyn at a table near the window. This was new for her as she usually hated to be recognized while enjoying an expensive meal.
The hostess gave him a friendly wave as he passed by. She knew he knew the way. He didn’t know how to respond to the wave and ended up looking down and continuing on his way. He was pretty sure it was the wrong thing to do.
“Hello, Evelyn. You’re looking well.”
Evelyn eyed him up as he sat down. “Hmm. And you’re looking the same as you always do. You should be more happy or more sad than usual. How long did you work there?”
“Twenty-seven years.”
“Well, when you have had a job that long, it’s perfectly normal to have some strong emotions when leaving it.”
“I don’t.” he said.
“Hmm” she eyed him doubtfully, “well I’m sure that’s normal too. What kind of a send off did they give you”
“The head librarian passed around a card that everyone signed. It was quite nice.”
“No party?”
“No.”
Evelyn looked down into her water glass thoughtfully. Finally she said, “Let’s order.”
The meal went well, with the two friends making small chit-chat throughout. Afterwards, when the drinks arrived Evelyn could hold it in no longer.
“Reginald, I just don’t understand you. It’s OK to be mad that they didn’t throw you a party. They should have, damn it. After twenty-seven years a fellow deserves some recognition when they go. A card? A card is the recognition?”
“It’s fine” he replied, “I don’t mind. They are good people and it was a fine place to work.”
“That’s not normal, Reginald. You can’t suppress this or you will end up going in to work with a shotgun or something.”
“I don’t have a work to go to. I could bring the shotgun to the park, I guess.”
“Lord almighty! A joke! Third one in three years. And at a time like this!” she laughed. “Now I know it’s bothering you.”
“It really isn’t. Evelyn, I know that you worry for me and fear that I keep all of my emotions bottled up or that I don’t even have any. I do. I have strong emotions and I express them. Often. Sometimes, most times actually, people like you just miss them.”
The table was quiet for a moment as Evelyn pondered this revelation. She took a slow sip of her brandy.
“What do you mean, people like me? What kind of people am I?” she asked.
Reginald looked perturbed. He knew he shouldn’t have said anything. He shouldn’t have let himself be lured into a situation he couldn’t get out of. Now he was trapped.
“Um. Big people, I suppose. People who are larger than life. People who can see the whole world and don’t mind if the whole world see’s them. People who always know what to say.”
“Big like fat?”
“Uhn.” Reginald’s face pinched in concern. This was not going well.
“I’m kidding, Reginald. I know what you mean and I don’t always know what to say or always say the right thing.”
“I never accused you of that.”
Evelyn threw her arms out wide. “Another joke! Oh lord, take me now! My life is complete.”
Reginald could only stare at the floor in embarrassment.
“All I am saying, Evelyn is that I don’t have to be like you to be normal. I am a whole person and I enjoy my life and the people around me. I know that I am unusual and it puts some people off, but that’s OK too. There are a great many people I would rather not have bothering me anyway.”
“Well, sometimes you seem a little creepy.”
“I am creepy, yes.”
“Well,” said Evelyn as she tossed back what was left in her snifter, “let’s go find your party. It couldn’t have gotten far.”
Reginald rolled his eyes.
“Come on. We’ll go get some hookers and some drugs.”
“I’m not sure Gayle would appreciate that. Or your constituents either, for that matter.”
“Pah!” she exclaimed “Let them vote someone else into office. I’ve got to go find my friend his big end-of-career party.”
She would never change and probably never understand.
Storytime again, my friends.
A fairy tale I’ve enjoyed.
I present this for your reading pleasure,
from the place where I’m employed.
The Fastest Bunny
Sheriff Hopping Tail pushed the brim of his hat up enough so he could get a clear view of the street. His nose twitched as he saw the Fleet Foot brothers hop around the corner of the local saloon and head towards him. He bit down on his chewing tobacco and then spat out a thick gob of brown juice into the dirt.
“That’s close enough.” he called. “Another step and I unload my bullets into yer gullets.”
The brothers stopped. Beside them, Mrs. Hedgehog, who had been sitting in her rocking chair on her front porch knitting, suddenly realized the danger she was in. She scooped up her baby son and ran inside her burrow, slamming the door and locking it.
“John, it’s me.” said Roscoe Fleet Foot, the dirtier and meaner of the two brothers.
“I know who you are,” answered Hopping Tail. “But, I guess you don’t know who I am.”
“I know you better than you know yourself right now, John.”
“You’re wrong. I’m Sheriff Cadence Hopping Tail, the fastest bunny in the old west. I’m the bunny that’s gonna bring you two cabbage rustlers in.”
Marty Fleet Foot whispered something to his brother. Marty was the bigger and dumber brother always getting into trouble he was too slow or too clumsy to get out of. The sheriff knew that when the time came for the brothers to be caught, it would be Marty who made the mistake and ruined their plans. It was always Marty.
Roscoe pushed Marty away and said, “You are not Sheriff Hopping Tail. No one is. He doesn’t exist.”
The sheriff just leaned forward and spit another gob of brown juice onto the ground. “If I don’t exist, just who is it that’s spittin’ on the ground?” he asked.
“John Gammon. You are Officer John Gammon and you are currently investigating a gang of psyber-criminals.”
“Well,” said the sheriff, “You’ve got the title right and you’re right about the crooks. The only thing you’ve got wrong, Roscoe is my name.”
“I don’t have your name wrong. You do.”
“Can’t see how that can be so. Mama Hopping Tail’s been calling me that ever since I was a baby. ‘Ceptin for the ’sheriff’ part, of course.”
“You are Officer John Gammon and you are investigating hackers who use their brains as supercomputers. All three of us were investigating this when you were caught in a simple code scheme that has trapped us in your mind. It’s that code that is making you believe you are a character in a story our mom used to tell us when we were kids.”
“Our mom?” asked the sheriff in a slightly amused tone.
“Yes, ‘our’ mom, John. Outside of this fantasy world, you and I are brothers.”
“Marty is your brother. Not me. I’m not sure he’s gonna like you turning on him and sayin’ he ain’t your kin.”
“He won’t care because he’s only my brother in this story. In real life he is a fellow officer and you are my brother.”
“So, in real life, you’re a sheriff and, so’s your brother. Only, he ain’t your brother because I am. And this place here is just a story someone’s tellin’?”
“Yes. It’s a story that you’re telling. We’re trapped in your mind.”
The sheriff grinned at him. “Good ole Roscoe.” he thought. Always coming up with some crazy scheme that no one in his right mind would ever believe. It was always the same. Roscoe would come up with a wild plan, Marty would mess it up and they would both end up in the sheriff’s jail.
“A funny story fer sure, Roscoe. But, you and I both know that yer brother is gonna go an’ mess it up on you.”
Suddenly Sheriff Hopping Tail realized that he had no idea where Marty was. The whole time Roscoe had been talking, Marty must have been quietly sneaking around-
Hopping Tail drew his gun as he spun. He fired once at Marty, who had been sneaking up behind him and the bullet went directly between the cabbage rustler’s eyes.
“No!” screamed Roscoe as his brother fell to the ground. The crook rushed forward, but Sheriff Hopping Tail proved once again that he was the fastest bunny in the ole west and squeezed a shot straight into Roscoe’s chest. Roscoe hit the ground at his feet.
“John.” he whispered as he died.
Sheriff Hopping Tail stared down at the bodies of the two cabbage rustling crooks as the townsfolk began to emerge from their homes. While the people cheered, something tugged at the back of the sheriff’s mind; something very, very sad. But he shrugged it off and then the fastest bunny in the ole west turned and slowly hopped away.
If God came to me and asked what I wanted in this world, I would tell him I simply want to be significant, thanks for asking. I wish to be significant in the lives of my family and in the eyes of those who know me and those who don’t. I don’t want to be forgotten. I don’t want to feel the indifference of the world around me. Love me, hate me, so long as you know me.
He was probably so proud of this picture, too.
Then God would say I failed and I was supposed to ask for world peace instead of being a self-centered bastard. At that point it would degrade into a knife fight except God would cheat and use an infinity long switchblade.
Perhaps the simplest lesson here is that we all matter to those that we love and we have small, but important impacts in the lives of those we know well. I think that stuff sucks, though. It isn’t really what I’m going for. I want a big impact. Nuclear bomb, big. I want people to stand in awe while looking up at the sky and then whisper my name.
I have tried a few different strategies already: I go to work, I come home, sometimes I go outside. This plan has not had award winning results. I also tried being really nice to everyone, but I can’t help notice how well known serial killers are. It’s a tough call.
I would start my own religion, but they’re so unpopular right now. Everyone says they like God, but they don’t trust religion and then they go home and don’t bother with either. A friend of mine recently explained it to me, saying it isn’t the organization itself, but the attitudes of it’s members. I quote “And tithing sucks! They don’t just ask you to tithe. They shame you into it, whether you can afford it or not. Do you know how many zealous, Christian hobo’s I’ve met?”
I would probably get more takers if I called it a cult.
I was getting to the point of giving up on my dreams when I realized the internet held the answers to my dilemma. One method I found that has worked is to present myself on dating sites as a nineteen year old girl called “Double D”. I’m also a pretty big deal in World of Warcraft where I righteously pwn noobs. People fear my prowess on political forums and I don’t even have to spell-check anything. One harsh lesson I learned though, was that a viral video is not filming yourself giving a kitten aids. Though, nothing demonstrates your insignificance better than your unread blog posts.
What I hope you’ve learned from this blog today is that it isn’t necessary to be more important than everyone else as long as I’m more important than you.
The stories I have been posting are my own and were originally posted on a story writing forum. This forum, called UGO.com - HeroMachine featured a cool flash application called HeroMachine that allowed you to mix and match superhero bits graphically to make your own heroes. I made many, many heroes.
One thread in this forum was called “They Fight Crime!” In this thread you were supposed use a catchy phrase designed by a random generator and build a story around it. I re-created the catchy phrase generator on my site, so you can check it out if you want and even submit your own ideas for phrases.
Crimelord and Sunshine
I watched as the beautiful and tiny fairy flew towards me. Her gossamer wings looked so delicate. They were a very pretty shade of translucent pink. Her hair was long and ran all the way to her feet, but considering that she was about four inches tall, it wasn’t very long at all. Her cute little face beamed up at me as she flew in close. Then I raised my umbrella and smacked her out of the air. When she hit the ground, I kicked a little dirt on her.
“OK, Sunshine. One more down. We better get out of here.” I called.
“There’s a brainwave for you, Sherlock.”
“You call me stupid and yet, look how ugly you are.”
“Shut up, dick wad.”
Having a fairy guardian wasn’t at all what I had expected it to be like. I don’t know what I was actually expecting, but I can tell you, I thought there would be a lot more politeness.
I had woken up in my cell that morning with the awful taste of last night in my mouth. The guards were banging on the bars like they always do when you take too long to get out of bed. If you refused to get up, they would come in and beat the holy tar out of you with their prisoner beatin’ sticks. Then they would make you get into the shower. You maybe tried sleeping in once. After that, you were either too smart or too dead.
Some guys spend their whole lives in prison. Seriously. They get in when they’re young men and they finish growing up behind bars. These lifers never want to leave. The thought of it scares the hell out of them. I’ve seen the meekest of men slit someones throat, just so they wouldn’t have to leave. Some people are friggin’ stupid. I wanted out. I wanted back into the real world and I was making a plan to do it. Through the yard, over the wall and away into freedom. Steal a car, smoke some weed and score some chicks. Yeah, I had a plan.
So, when I’m having my morning shower and I’m washing my genitalia real fast so I can get it done quick without anyone getting any hormonal ideas about me, I’m also thinking about my plan in the back of my head. I’m not really paying attention to what’s going on around me, so it’s a pretty big shock when I hear a squeeky voice say. “You do that like you enjoy it.”
I spun around, ready to defend my bum’s virginity, but there was no one there. What’s more, I spun around too quick on a floor that was really slippery. My feet kept going in a direction I was no longer concerned with and I ended up wiping out and landing on my ass. Then, I hear this real tiny voice start laughing. Not the happy kind of laughing either, but the ‘I enjoy watching your dumb ass fall to the floor’ type laugh. Real mocking.
“Oh, man! You are stupid. Look at you. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!” laughed the tiny voice, and I still couldn’t see who was doing it.
“Who is that?” I whispered at them in my best ‘ready to kill your punk ass’ voice. My back hurt from the fall and I was ready to take it out on whoever had caused it.
“Me. Do you want to get out of here? Do you want to get free and go back out doing your little, piddly criminal things?”
“Uhh, damn! Are you in the pipes?”
“What? No you big, dumb moron. I’m right here.”
Now, I will swear to you, absolutely swear that since I have been in the joint I have touched nothing stronger than tobacco. I haven’t had the opportunity. Well, that’s not true. I had the opportunity, but the price was too high. It was a price too near and dear my heterosexual heart to pay. So, I can tell you that I was dead sober when I saw the air above the shower head shimmer and a huge bat appear. It waved one large, purple wing at me and winked. But, I don’t blame you for not believing me.
I was speechless. Completely and utterly and absolutely speechless. I said, “Holy rat fat! What are you?”
“I’m your guardian angel, sent to get you out of the slammer.”
“You’re an angel?” I asked. The doubt must have shown in my face because right away the bat got flustered.
“Well, no. I’m not really an angel. That’s just a figure of speech, I guess. I don’t know why we say that. It always confuses everyone. But, that doesn’t matter, you idiot. What I am is your fairy guardian. Actually I’m a fairy pricess.”
“You aren’t what I imagined a fairy to look like.”
“Yeah? Well, screw you too, meathead. So what if I look like a big, ugly bat with stupid, purple wings. You think I care about that?”
I must have hit some kind of a nerve because I swear the bat started crying. It was hard to tell because it was a bat, of course. Still, I felt a little bad.
“It’s so awful.” it said. “I used to be so beautiful! I had beautiful, long legs, long golden hair and an ass to die for. I looked so good in my little fairy miniskirt. You have no idea how hard it is now.”
Listening to her, I was starting to get a pretty good idea of how hard it is now. I didn’t want that to show while I was sitting on the floor of the shower, naked. I had get her to leave right away. I quickly formulated a plan.
“Uhh, sorry about..uhh…that, but can you go away now?”
“Huhn? No, I can’t go away. Do you think I came here just to go away? I came here to set you free. I’m your fairy guardian and it’s my job to look after you, you twit.”
“Well, why didn’t you show up three months ago when the damn cops picked me up for breaking and entering, huhn?”
“One night! I take one damn night off and you get picked up and sent to prison. Then you blame me! You have to be the stupidest person on the planet! You think I have nothing better to do than watch over a moron all my life? I’m a princess, damn it! I have other royal duties to attend to as well, ya know.”
“So, you are going to be the fairy queen someday?”
“Yes. Yes, I will be. Providing of course, that the other two hundred and sixty three fairy princesses ahead of me are unable to take the throne, for some reason.”
“That doesn’t sound very likely.”
“Yeah? Well, it was less likely when there was three hundred of them, but they’ve started to wise up. It ain’t so easy to sneak up on them anymore.”
“Uhh. What are we talking about?”
“Oh!” she said as if she suddenly remembered I was in the room. “We’re talking about getting you out of here. You are about to be set free and then I can explain your part in all of this.”
“Why don’t you just explain it now? I don’t think I want to go anywhere with you.”
“Well, you don’t have a choice. In about six hours they’re going to come for you and they’re going to kill you unless we can get as far away from here as possible.”
“Who’se going to come for me? Who’se gonna kill me?”
“It’s difficult to explain it to someone of your intellect. Just trust me.”
“I don’t trust you. I don’t even know you. Hell, I don’t even like you!”
“Well, isn’t that gratitude. I’ve looked after you your whole life and this is the thanks I get? Do you know how many guardian fairies don’t even bother looking after their charges anymore? No one believes in them, so thay just don’t bother. Not me, though! I knew that you’d be useful to me one day so I have looked after you from day one! I watched you every day, rarely taking any time off.”
“Every day? Even when I was touching - ”
“Yes, even then, you little deviant. But, I’m not one to judge. I’m not judging you, you sick, twisted freak. All I ask is that you let me continue to look after you. I want to keep you safe.”
“But who are you protecting me from? Who wants to kill me?”
“We’ve already gone over this! From the other fairies! Why did I get the moron! Why? Why?”
“Why do the other fairies want to kill me?”
“Gaaaah!” the bat yelled and flapped it’s wings around in a furious manner. “They obviously want to kill you because of the Star of Morning.”
“What is that? That doesn’t explain why they want to kill me.”
“I told you already. There are two hundred and sixty three fairy princesses in line for the throne ahead of me. I also already told you that they were getting suspicious once fifty seven fairy princesses bit the dust in a whole series of unrelated, fatal accidents. That plan isn’t going to work out now. Do you honestly think I’m going to sit around and hope mother nature takes care of the rest? That lazy cow? So, what choice did I have? Now, try to stay with me, my retarded minion I had to take the Star of Morning to show that I am the next rightful heir to the throne. The damn things cursed, though.”
“Is that why you’re a big, ugly bat?”
“Whoa! He woke up. Yes, of course that’s why I’m a bat. Hey, the bat’s not too bad. I’ve been changing steady since I got that thing and let me tell you, there’s worse things to be than a bat. I know. I’ve been them.”
“So, when do you change again?”
The bat sighed. “Here we are, back at square one. Obviously, I’m not going to change if I no longer have the Star of Morning, now am I? I have given the damn thing to you. Why else would I be here? How else could you see me? Why else would the fairies want to kill you?”
“Well, I don’t want it!”
“Too bad. No choice.”
“But, you’re the queen now. You can tell them to stop.”
“No. Unfortunately, while having the Star of Morning does mean I am the next rightful queen, not every fairy is recognizing that authority. The good news is that there are a lot less than two hundred and sixty three fairy princesses I’ll need to, uh, forcefully convince. In the meantime, you will need to stay ahead of all the fairies or they’re going to boil you until your flesh falls off so they can get back their Star.”
“That’s not fair! I didn’t do anything. They’re violating my rights. They’re just criminals!”
“Well, if you want to stay alive, you better be prepared to fight those criminals.”
I was mad. I was too mad to talk. I laid there on the shower floor and fumed. My skin was getting pretty pruney and I didn’t even move. That’s how mad I was.
“This is stupid!” I yelled. “What kind of stupid plan is it that turns every other fairy against you? You don’t even have a plan to get the rest of them. And you call me stupid?”
“Well, obviously I didn’t know the damn thing was cursed, now did I? Honestly. Who uses curses anymore? It’s like wearing a mullet. It just isn’t done.”
I reached up and touched my hair. I liked my mullet and I didn’t care what she said.
“Now, get ready. I’ve arranged to have you released so we can get away from here. Once you’re safe, I can make my plans to acquire the other Stars.”
Before I could say another word, two of my favourite guards walked in. Both of them were as strong as a back hoe and twice as smart. Jefferies walked up to me and put his boot on my neck.
“What the hell is he doing on the floor?” asked Michaels.
“I don’t know.” said Jefferies. “I hope I didn’t interrupt anything important, Dergen.”
He leered at me and twisted the boot on my neck.
“Just cleaning the floor with my back. This place is slippery. I should sue the prison.”
“Yeah? There’s something I don’t hear twenty times a day.” said Jefferies.
“Get up!” ordered Michaels. “And, get dressed. The warden wants to see you in his office pronto.”
The little fairy bat was telling the truth. I was getting out of here. I didn’t have to take anymore crap from these guys. I was a free man.
“I’ll get dressed and go see the warden when I’m ready.” I huffed. Besides, I had a guardian fairy looking out for me.
Both of them looked quite surprised. The didn’t like talk like that from inmates, but I wasn’t an inmate anymore. I didn’t have anything to fear from them.
“Well, the warden says you need to go see him, but he didn’t say anything about you not having the snot beat out of you.” He brought his wooden attention getting device down across my shoulders and the blow forced me to the floor. Apparently, guardian fairies don’t protect you from prison guards administering severe contusions about the head and shoulders. Live and learn.
That was eight hours ago. After that they helped me get dressed. They had to, since I was unable to stand on my own. They walked / carried me to the wardens office and tossed me onto his floor. The warden told me that all the paperwork associated with my case had gone missing. That they couldn’t find any record of it anywhere. They knew there had been a trial and there were people who remembered being at the trial, but the law says that if you can’t provide the paperwork when the lawyer demands it, they gotta let you go. It was something like that, anyway. My lawyer had called them up on a tip from an anonymous source and now I’m a free man.
Of course, I’ve spent the last hour bludgeoning the cute, little fairies that continue to find me. I swear the Star of Morning is a damn beacon to them. I’ve found a couple of really good hiding spots and yet, they keep finding me. Sunshine, that’s my guardian fairy’s name, is gonna have to figure out a better way to hide me because eventually I’m going to get too tired to fight. Then these little buggers are going to boil me alive to get their Star back. I know Sunshine won’t let that happen because she doesn’t want to lose the Star. But, until she comes up with a plan, I’ve got to keep clubbing these pretty fairies.
When future generations look back upon us, they will remember a few of our greatest achievements, a bunch of our worst moments and what jerks we were.
And he won't give them back.
Look back at any era, say the renaissance, and try to pick out their greatest achievements. Didn’t they invent the airplane? No wait. It was the rapier. Or was the rapier already invented and they invented stabbing? No, that’s ridiculous. They didn’t invent stabbing, but the french did invent cutting off heads. Hang on. Am I still on greatest achievements?
OK. Perhaps I’m not the best example of how much someone knows about world history, but I bet I’m not the worst either. When I look back at that era I remember two things very clearly. The men wore pantyhose and the women swallowed rocks. The men all wore pantyhose because it was socially acceptable to do so. This suggests to me that all of the men nowadays are just waiting for the OK to rush out and make their legs pretty and silky smooth. However, it is the women that swallowed rocks that catches my attention the most. In addition to aiding the digestion of small seeds and corn, the swallowed rocks caused internal hemorrhaging. The women would bleed into their stomachs and often throw up blood. While the Spewing Blood super power is cool, it wasn’t their main goal. They swallowed the rocks and threw up blood so they would look pale.
Super Fashion Pale.
I’m so glad that we live in a time where that type of foolishness doesn’t exist anymore. We’re so much smarter than they were. However, when the world of the future looks back on us, what will they remember? Will we look that stupid to them?
Of course we will.
For example, go find a puppy that looks cute to you and take him home knowing that it will be your best friend for about eleven years and give you unconditional love during that time. After a few weeks, take his balls away. The argument is that it will prevent unwanted pregnancy and take some of the fight out of him. Well, so will cutting off his front legs, but we wouldn’t do that because it would be cruel.
We had to have this done to my dog and I was uncomfortable with the idea. My wife assured me that this was necessary and since he had never mated, he wouldn’t know what he was missing. Well, afterwards I noticed a change in him right away. He wouldn’t eat, he sure as hell didn’t trust car rides anymore and all he ever wanted to do was discuss our “relationship”. I’m pretty sure he noticed something was missing.
What about doggie vasectomies? Or doggie condoms? How about I just sit him down and have a serious talk about doggie abstinence?
We took an animal that we loved just as he was and altered him in a fundamental way. I expressed this to my wife and she reassured me that he was OK. This was something we had to do because we loved him she said. Then she said she loved me too.
My blood ran cold.
I hoped she didn’t love me enough to have my balls nocked. Clearly she viewed testicles as a source of anger and violence.
I don’t mean to preach. Go ahead and chop off your dog’s nuts. It doesn’t affect me. I don’t think animals have the same rights as people. I eat meat and love it. I enjoy swinging cats around by their tails same as anybody. However, when the high school kids of the future are learning about us, the thing they will remember is just how barbaric we were. And aren’t they glad they live in a time where that type of foolishness doesn’t exist anymore.
What I hope you’ve learned from this blog today is that the bad ass girls of the renaissance were way more hardcore than the kids today. Oh, you’ve got your eyebrow pierced? Cool, I guess, but does it SPEW BLOOD?
This script is based on characters from the movie, The Matrix by the Wachowski Brothers. This script takes place just after the first movie, and before the sequels.
ACT I
Scene 1
INT. Zion Prison - - Day
Neo goes into the Zion prison where Cypher is kept. Cypher is held in a standard jail cell built into the rock walls of the city. He wears bandages over different parts of his body and he has trouble breathing at times. Half of his face is burned.
Neo
You killed my friends.
Cypher
Yes. I am a killer. I am aware that I am a killer. Do you not think I am being sufficiently punished for my crimes against you?
(Gestures at his condition and surroundings.)
Neo
You killed YOUR friends. Everyone who trusted you is dead now, by your hand. And you did it so you could eat steak?
Cypher
Oh. The “Why” question. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. No, Neo. I did not do it so that I could eat steak. I did it so that I could enjoy steak.
Neo
You could enjoy steak in the staging program whenever you had wanted.
Cypher
No! The only way to enjoy it is to eat it when I know I am getting away from you. Or to eat it when I can’t remember you. When I can’t remember any of it.
Neo
You hated the life that much? You were a hero. You freed people from their forced ignorance.
Cypher
Yeah, I freed them. Woke them up and set them free. But at what cost? How many people do we kill when we try to free one person. Do you ever question that?
Neo
Every single one of them can become an agent at any moment. We fight to stay alive.
Cypher
Screw your eyes wide shut bullshit! Don’t feed me the god damned propaganda, I know it all by heart. Every single person we wake up is one more soldier in our army and damn the cost in innocent lives. Every one of you bastards I kill is a hundred lives I save.
Neo
Then why didn’t you do it sooner?
Cypher
I was waiting for you.
(Pause)
Yeah, that’s right. I was waiting for The One. Oh man, everyone spoke about you so highly. Back before they met you of course. “The One will take care of this. The One will fix everything.” We were all waiting around for Jesus and I prayed it was true. I actually got down on my knees and prayed to a God I never believed in that the little hacker we had our eye on was the son of God. Our saviour. Well, you were, weren’t you? You just weren’t the saviour I was looking for. Someone to come in and put an end to the killing of innocents. Someone to explain to Morpheus that what he is doing is not just wrong, but evil. You sure as hell weren’t The One I was looking for. You weren’t even the saviour of the people here who still consider you The One. Have you made their world a better place? What have you done, so far? You’ve started a war. No, the only ones who consider you a saviour are the generals back in Zion. To them you are the Super Recruitment Officer. No, I didn’t do it sooner because I was waiting to find out if you were the son of God or the biggest mass murderer in history. Guess which one you turned out to be.
Neo
Shut up!
Cypher
I could of left sooner, but I refused to leave until I had killed you. Maybe, if I do enough good before I die, I won’t go to hell for all the evil I have done.
Neo
Every single person we fight is a potential agent! We have to fight or die!
Cypher
If your choices are kill everyone in sight or die, which choice do you make? Which choice is the right one? You made your choice, didn’t you? I was like you once. I mean I wasn’t “The One”, but I was a hero wannabe. Out there doing my part to damn the man and save the world. But, along came the best day of my life and ruined everything. Morpheus and I were fighting back to back against wave after wave of agents. There were so many agents. Oh man, there was no way we should have survived that. They just kept coming and we kept putting them down. We were untouchable. I knew I was gonna die, but I didn’t care because it was so perfect. I was gonna die fighting back to back with my hero.
(Pause)
But I noticed we were in a schoolyard. A god damned schoolyard. Where the hell were all those agents we were killing coming from, I wonder? They were the kids, damn it! I know I’m going to hell and Morpheus sent me there, but maybe I can do enough good before I die that God might forgive me a little bit. Any little bit would help and killing you would have been more than a little bit.
NEO
I am not evil.
CYPHER
No. You’re the saviour who fights computer agents of the machine. And, for every agent you kill, one human being gets flushed out of their comfortable pod and into the sewers. You’re a hero. You’re my hero.
NEO
Shut up!
CYPHER
You’re The One! Neo, save me! Save me! You’re The One!
Here’s a story I wrote as part of a challenge on a web forum. The theme was Scary and Freaky Beings and the particular challenge I had was space alien pirates.
The Word of God
Joanna’s hands flew over the controls in a blur as she tried to engage any of the locking systems. Nothing was responding, but she kept trying the different controls anyway. Uselessly.
“Go away!” she screamed.
“Really, my dear. You are so emotional. A Bavlian would face this situation with calm and serenity.” came a scratchy voice from the speakers mounted into the panels throughout her ship.
“An Earthen fights!” she yelled as she tore open the door to the utility closet. She searched through the different tools and cleaning devices in there. None of it was strong enough to help her. Maybe some of the cleaning chemicals would be able to eat through their shells.
“You don’t sound like you are fighting. You sound like you are crying. Relax. Soon the Veshar will chew through your hull and get inside with you. They are a very determined and savage species. They believe devoutly and with great fervor.”
“God isn’t about violence! He’s a loving and caring, ever-present being. He would not condone this behaviour.” she cried. Already she could hear that the scratching sounds outside her ship were turning into tearing sounds as the insect-like Veshar peeled the metal back. A loud and sustained roar drowned out all the other sounds. Her air was escaping. Even if she survived this attack, she would only have the air in her cannisters to get her back to a base. It would be rough if it was even possible.
“Yes, He is. He is that to those who do not displease him. The teachings your team brought were very clear. Not all of us believed though, which did cause a problem we had never encountered before. Of course, we are not primitives. We have had wars before. But, a religious war is something else entirely isn’t it? The fanatical, crazed beliefs clashing together tore our simple world apart. We were not ready for the word of God at the time. The deaths were horrible. So many and so ugly.” came the calm voice from the speakers.
“It wasn’t our intent. We were trying to help you.”
“We had a perfect society. How could you have helped us? Could you not see how well we functioned? No more wars, no hatred. I can see clearly now why we were so unprepared for the word of God. We were as children back then. Now we do God’s work.”
“God does not want this!” she screamed.
“You are a sinner and must be punished. The Veshar will remove the sin from you and you will be cleansed.”
“It isn’t your place to judge me! Only God judges and if you judge me you assume God’s authority.” she smiled at this. “Yes! You can’t judge me. You have to stop this! God will judge me when I get to heaven.”
“I am not judging you, Joanna. That would definitely be a sin on my part. I do not sin. God has judged you and the Veshar and I are carrying out His wishes. Afterwards, all that is of any value on your ship will be used to fund our endeavour to clean the galaxy of any Earthen who has sinned.”
“What was my sin? What was my sin that God pronounced on me?” she shouted defiantly.
The large metal door that separated the cockpit from the rest of the ship began to twist and bend as the Veshar pulled at it from the other side. The hinges screeched and popped.
